Tardiness

The bus was late, but it finally came the moment I wanted to call in work (and saying that I might be late). I looked at the clock one more time and got on the bus. Because of that 15-min tardiness, the bus was overly filled. I took off my backpack and carried it as if it were a briefcase, then turned up the volume on my headphone.

I used to take the same bus every morning but towards the other end, when I first started school here as a literature student. It has always been difficult for me to get up early in the morning and I hated to walk into a classroom in a middle of a lecture. When I over slept, I would take the bus two hours later to catch the next whole lecture. If the bus wasn’t crowded, I would even try to finish the last bits of the assignment minutes before it was due. Oh yes, those assignments, thousands of pages and a handful of readers. Bus riding in a sunny day is a day dream trap. There have been countless times I missed my stop because the day dreams blurred out the station name outside the window.

The bus arrived at a popular stop. I pushed myself against the side window to let the people around me getting in and out. When I started my second study a couple of years back, I often got out here to change to metro, like most of the passengers did. Today I wasn’t going to get out of the bus here and tomorrow either since I had decided to put the second study on the back burner. Last week I heard two people talking about schrödinger’s equation on the bus; and I sensed a chill running down my spine. If I had managed my time perfectly, I would probably be talking about the same thing now.

“If”—there is another “if I had…” thought again, I guess I need to turn the volume a bit higher.  

We passed the pharmacy at a main cross road – I was half way there, and if there wasn’t any traffic jam, I could even make it on time for work! A man in colorful T shirt and jeans rushed out of the pharmacy, with one hand carrying a bag from the drug store and the other dragging a blue haired girl with lip piercings with him. The young couple slipped through the bus door split seconds before it closed, giggling and out of breath. I don’t know if they knew or cared being stared at from other passengers.

“It is important to observe what people wear.” An artist told me that.

“For you?”

“For everyone! You can know so much about a stranger just by looking at what s/he is wearing!”

“Are you still trying to convince yourself of that?”

“It is true! We reveal who we are through what we choose to wear.”

“Is it important for you that other people notice what you are on?”

That was the last time we spoke.

Through the bus window, I have seen the shops along the streets closed and reopened at an amazingly fast pace in the past six months.  I don’t remember what these shops were, but only “shop-to-rent” signs in various colors and sizes. The streets feels like a train station, and the shops are wagons owned by drifters. I am too chicken and cynical to open my own business; I’d rather work for someone.

It was almost a miracle that I made it to work 10 minutes earlier. I went into the office to greet my colleagues then to the kitchen to fix my caffeine withdraw. The pupils were done with school and starting to arrive. That is when I start my shift – at the end of the pupils’ shifts.

8am class...

             I am going to be 30 next week. I don’t feel like it--> OK, as if how I feel would matter. 

            Since I have been ditching 8am Tutorium for about a month now. I am too scared to go to my tutor’s office and ask for the homework back. I am not sure why I have been ditching pretty much half of my classes at the Uni. since early November. And for the freaking birthday, I wish I can make it to the 8am class. 

            I am standing in transit again. I hate this. It disappoints me to know that in a faculty where ethic and moral are being preached from the people who’s got none. It has always been my strong interest and childhood dream to become a theoretical physicist. I never used to regret doing my studies in the humanity field (hence the word “used to”). Today, I feel that I might have done my studies backwards. Maybe I should have begun with science to spare me from all this cynicalness and jadedness? Or not? Can growing up too fast not be a bad thing? Or the fact that all these years just confirm the “rumor” that some of those who live in the ivory towers are completely overrated and over paid? I was told that I would never be able to have any opportunity developing a career, not only because I didn’t have a mother tongue, but also because what is being done isn’t going to be needed in the society, “not like science or something like that” they said, “something that actually has visible contribution in the society.” Really?! Do you also think that what you do is senseless and over paid? You are not alone. 

            At least my private life is good. Marriage has been a pure success and we are going to celebrate our 5^th anniversary next week too! (Thanks love. And we haven’t separated for even a day since we got married! That’s almost 2000 days!) And I can’t complain about work. (Well, actually I could but I am not going to do it today). Since I’ve ditched all my classes this morning and early afternoon, I am going to take a shower and go to work now.

"Do you want a cookie?"

"Do you want a cookie?"

I kid you not; THIS has become my most used sentence in our institute. The reason is simply because I constantly get caught in a situation (mostly because of other people’s fault) that I can no longer repair. Hard to imagine how often have I nothing better to offer than a cookie. Paradoxically the institutes which provide after-school tutoring are sometimes heartless places, it feels like it doesn’t matter how much love you pour into this place, nothing much would ever come out.

Scenario 1

One of the math teachers didn't show up for the second time within a week. An eleven-year old girl who has officially signed up for his class and her mom had been eager to meet her math teacher. Nope, he had not been there Tuesday, nor did he come last Friday.

"Why didn't Mr. G show up?" She looked at me with her confused blue eyes behind thick glasses.

"Well, maybe he is sick."

"He had been sick the week before! And I knew that he was here yesterday."

"I am sorry that he didn't show up, you can come to my class if you want."

"Sure, I like you anyway."

Then we started math class. I helped her with her homework and just 10 minutes after my class began, the secretary came and told me that the French teacher didn't show up either, and I were to take care of that class too.

HOW?! And honestly WTFF?! So I went to the other room, copied some exercises for the French class and told the pupils that if they had any questions, I'd be in another room, teaching math.

OK, now I am back to the math class and tried to explain to her the homework again, but she didn’t want to do math anymore and asked:" Mr. G never comes, is it because of me?"

"No, of course not. What are you talking about?"

"If I had known that he wouldn't show up today, I wouldn't have come. Today is my best friend's birthday and our last weekend before school starts again."

"I am sorry that you missed her birthday. You don't have to come to after-school tutoring during your summer vacation, but you know that right?"

"No, no one ever told me about this!"

I cannot count how many times I had to apologize for other people that afternoon:"I am sorry that no one told you about this, but yeah, the summer school is not mandatory..."

"And I am missing my best friend's birthday while my teacher just didn't feel like coming to work?!"

"...." I didn't know how to answer this... so I asked her when her birthday would be.

"In 3 weeks."

"Any plans to celebrate your birthday."

"Well, I had tickets for Selina Gomez's concert, and I was really happy and excited about this. Then a few days ago she announced that she would move the concert to Frankfurt, and it is on a school night, so I can't go. But that had been my birthday day present...."

Then she lost it.

For the first time I had a pupil broke into tears in my class, and I had no idea how to repair this anymore.

"Do you want a cookie? I am sorry that you missed the birthday party, but I can offer you a cookie."

She stopped crying and smiled:"Yes please!"

So I went into the kitchen and "stole" a few chocolate cookies for her. It is such a childish act, and yet, there was nothing better I could offer.

Scenario 2

I came to work early like a lot of pupils, who have school in the morning and tutoring in the afternoon, while in between we have nowhere to go, so we just mostly sit in the corridor in the institute, playing games in our cell phones.

I sat next to a 12-year girl who spends 4 days a week here.

"Hey, pretty hair cut." I said.

"Thank you." She replied politely, “can I switch to your class?"

She asks me almost every week, but I have to tell her the same thing every single time:"I am sorry, I don't have any influence over the organization, and I don't get to choose my own pupils."

"But I don't want to stay with that teacher!"

"Well... I don't know what to tell you.... I am here 4 times a week and I teach math more frequently than English and/or French. I do sub. for your teachers from time to time, but I really don't really get to choose when or whom I teach..."

Just at that moment, her English teacher went by and said:"Ha! Beautiful hair cut."

The girl replied, politely as usual: "thank you."

Then the teacher turned around, back to us, and said out LOUD:"But the girl is not."

I swear; I almost slapped his face, with a fucking chair!!!! You don't say this to a 12-year old; you don't say this to ANYONE!!!

The girl turned to me with sad eyes: "Do you think I am ugly?"

"No... that teacher wasn't serious, don't listen to him! I find you pretty."

"Do you think I am fat?"

"No, you are slim, and in NO way overweight."

"You are just saying that!"

"No, I can PROOVE it!" So I took out my laptop and opened a website for BMI:"now I want you to put in your height and weight here, then click 'calculate'."

She did, and it turned out that she was a bit underweight.

"See? Science doesn't lie. I want you to stop thinking that you were ugly or fat, you are pretty and scientifically proved slim."

"Thank you. Why can't I switch to your class?"

"Do you want a cookie?"

"Yes, please. Would you bring some for me?"

"Sure, next time when we bake cookies, I will put an extra bag for you."

"But just for me, not for other people."

"I also bring cookies for the entire institute, but I will make an extra bag just for you."

Scenario 3

When someone is psychologically blocked, it doesn't matter what you do, logic has no chance to settle in.

"Do you have any homework today?"

"Yes, we started linear equation today and I have no idea what the teacher was talking about in class."

I spent the following hour explaining only one principle: if you add 6 on both sides, you will need to literally plus 6 on both sides.

"But why do I need to plus 6 on the right side?"

"Because you already added 6 on the left side and in order to keep this as equation, hence the usage of the equal sign, you would need to add 6 on the right side too."

"But in the previous program, you wanted me to minus 11 on both sides."

"Yes, because we want to put the terms with variables on one side, and the rest on the other."

"I don't know what to do: sometimes you said that I would add, sometimes you said that I should subtract... when do I need to add again?"

"It depends on the individual problem..."

"I am not getting this. Sometimes I need to add, and sometimes I have to do the opposite."

"OK, do you want a cookie?"

Tortuga

Tomorrow I am off. For the first time in a while because of my erratic schedule. Summer break is almost coming to an end, and I haven't started to type that paper. I have decided to indulge myself a second chance for B.sc. and I will surely be less slacky this time. I can't afford it emotionally somehow, not worth it.

Work is fine. Did I mention that I am teaching again? And I will stop sending out my applications for a while (unless the job is math-related). Pupils are surprisingly cooperative where I work and the pay is good. I never thought that I would say this: but I sometimes take work home; although my career plan is the opposite of such nature.

Had a surreal experience with one of the job situations. I was asked to write a hypothetical letter and it turned out that they had wanted a research based letter. I am not sure how they interpret "hypothetical", but apparently I had been misunderstanding it for almost 30 years! Sure, these are elite-academic secret codes I was supposed to decipher, but really, don't they have a less condescending way to express it? They wrote back and said that I lacked the ability to identify them, but if they had said that their hypothetical situation were a real one, I would have done it differently.

It is like "Tortuga": either you already know it, or you will never know.

So I guess I will stick with after school coaching ... it is a rewarding job and the people I work with are really nice. Despite the teenager rebelling, I seem to get along with them just fine, although maybe a more authority figure was expected. I doubt that I will ever be able to pull it off, I weight as much as the pupils, if they are under 14.

Surprisingly enough that some of them spend 4 days a week in the after school coaching institute, and some of them stay until 8pm. We are talking about children cancelled their sport programs after school, and sit in a less crowded classroom to do math. We have children as young as 8, who just barely started elementary school and the parents wish for a perfect academic performance. I had children who got B's at school and the parents told me that the children should be getting A's. Besides math, which I teach 4 days a week, I do English, French and Physics as well. So we'd be speaking English/French or writing their English/French homework about their favorite sports (which they had to give up), or favorite food (which they seldom get to eat because they get home at 9pm) ... or what they would do when "it is all over" (after high school).

Oh yeah, high school time and the pressure of getting a better score at school. I can recall how terrible my school program was --> we had school from 6:40 am (I shit you not!) until like freaking 10pm; and our high school is still one of the worst in the province because you can't just send children to books 24/7 if their hearts are elsewhere. Half of my classmates slept during the day, who wouldn't?! You are compelled to focus on school 14 hours a day!

Well, the silly school program became one of the reasons I left. Now I ironically work in this very field. Children here probably don't have the same pressure as when I was growing up, but I still think it is difficult for them to be happy and enjoy the adultlescence.

Oddly enough, when the pupils asked me, what I had been doing during my high school and all; I had to admit that I also spent 90% of my time trying to get A's at school ... maybe at the beginning the pressure came from the family, but later on, I somehow developed my own academic ambition... but I would say that it came from within and not under the yelling of desperate parents.

Getting ready to go to work. Although we are in school break.

Oh, never mind, tomorrow I am not off anymore .... just got a call to sub for someone.

First note for the first month after June....

 So, officially we have gone through another half-year.

First day of the month starts with a Garfield Monday. Not only have I overslept the first lecture, I am missing the last theo lecture before the final exam coming up Wednesday.

It is a curse! Every single semester is two weeks too long for me. And you would think that I must have gotten used to it after all these years, doing nothing but homework and going to classes.

I am going to be 30 in a few months, an age where many are having the prime of their career; while I still panic over unfinished experiment protocols, crawling through science 101, sending out job applications for the upcoming summer break.

I am content though, although for many I might not appear so. I listen to "hier encore" and remember that I was singing that song in the car when I just turned 20. I recall being euphoric just to know that my paperwork and legal status had been sorted out...

It is a progress, I keep telling myself, besides being a student, I have other roles to fulfil in my little life and I am quite satisfied with what I have. Comparing to all my high school classmates, I am no doubt the luckiest one; despite Mom's regret to let me leave home as a minor, and I am more than happily married without kids. (Sorry, Mom, unhappily married with children is not on my list, and it never will.)

Really, I do feel grateful and the itchy feeling of imperfection only indicates my earning to change for the better. (well, better grades if you want to get specific; I sense the uncomfortable "in-transit" impression constantly crawling under my skin when I was applying for the professional journalism schools in France -- what I know is better than the average, but not good enough to get into the top 100.)

However, it is OK. The long and horrific winter promised a bright summer; Grandma would be happy to know that we are using her recipes and we are sharing them with others, Grandpa would be pleased to know about my academic ambition. And for the first time in my life I get to work for myself instead of for other people. (See Neutrale Zone)

Supposedly I have too many distractions, supposedly I am not a "either or" person, supposedly I am allergic to self-discipline, addicted to staying up all night whilst ditching classes in the morning (never work though; I have never overslept a work day)....it will all work out. (Am I the living proof of pure luck?!)

Just got a call and an email from a job I applied for two days ago (a good sign right? They contacted me separately because they are from different branches of the same company. I am not sure what to do yet.) I will likely to be working as a after-school-coach (at some Nachhilfe institute) this summer, although I am not sure what I will be teaching, I did apply for 6 subjects (!!! I really did.)

Busy summer, here I come :) And bring the Sun with you!