Let go

Since when a metro ride becomes a train of memories?

On the RER from downtown Paris to Versailles, I leaned my head against the window pane and watched the rain drops hitting the glass, splashing into smaller dots; those dots moved closer and closer to each other, eventually touched, formed a big dot that was heavy enough to finally glide down, leaving a silver trace. Repeat.

The train ran above ground and under ground alternatively, random graffiti flashed by, the monotonic color on the façades, this was like déja vu. Consciously, unconsciously, I was looking for a miraculous surprise, a familiar and yet strange face, a figure, a silhouette that I used to know. I found none, it is fine, it is expected. The only difference was I didn't have any expectation this time. I knew what I would see, what I would experience, my heart beat was regular. The rain kept splashing against the window pane. The glass was cold against my skin.

"ça va?"

I nodded, smiled, wasn't in the mood to speak. I ran my finger tip along the silver trace, lost in my dreams.

"Do you like it?"

"What?"

"Paris."

I shrugged my shoulders.

"It is a beautiful city, isn't it?"

"Sure, why not." I still preferred silence.

"I like it; it is so chic."

I smiled.

"Why don't you like it?"

"I don't hate it."

"Do you prefer another capital?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

I drew a line on the foggy glass, then 2 hoops next to it.

"Why?"

"It is not the city itself counts all for me."

"What?"

"It is time to get off, this is the stop."

Got caught in a sudden rain in the open garden of Versailles. Strong wind blew rain onto my face just like having a tattoo. There was no place to hide, I was far down at the end of the garden, at the bottom of the hill. There was so use to run for I was completely soaked. My coat became heavy; my jeans clued to my legs; I started laughing hysterically. When was the last time I let myself feel? The last time I let go?

When I finally got on the train, I could squeeze water out of my clothes. I couldn't stop shaking because the window on the train was broken and the wind didn't help. I couldn't decide whether to keep the coat on or take it off, well, it wouldn't make any difference, would it?