Almost got thrown out of a class for the first time in my life. It
didn't come as a shock, I saw it coming all along but I couldn't help
it. I knew how strict this professor was and she made an exception to
let me sit in the class. Then in the past two weeks, I didn't show up;
partially because I was sick, but mainly because I am a bit confused in
general. I don't know exactly what is happening to me but I am
constantly caught in the nets constructed from vicious circles. Maybe
even premeditated mistakes.
"Why are you here?" the professor asked, "you can't just promised me
to join the class and yet only showed up twice in the past month! It is
difficult for other students and the whole seminar if you just show up
from time to time. If you can't make a commitment, I will have to stop
this."
"I totally see that and it has been very irresponsible of me to just
skip classes without giving any explanations. This is the first time
for me to be a non-student and I just got a job... I am aware of the
fact that I only showed up twice so far. If it bothers you and other
students, I will stop coming."
"You are not a student?" --- this is the first question they asked
once they found out about my situation. It happened in another class I
am "attending" (I guess I can't really say that I am "attending", but
rather, I am just kind of ... "being there") Apparently it happens
rarely that someone would just come to a class and do that extra work
without taking credit or get a certificate. Maybe it is good to know
that most of us after graduation got directly into "real" life, start a
career and live a fulfilled life.
"No, not for the moment. I am not. But I arranged better work hours
and our molding kitchen is getting repaired, it will all be done before
the end of this week." I didn't tell her that I had been sick, or had
been terribly confused about ... stuff and I had been spending way too
much time staring in blank, chewing on my cuticles until it bleeds;
neither have I promised her that I would be a model student from now on,
nor asked her to accept me and my circumstance; for it would sound
like:"Hey, my dog ate my homework." (Although it truly happened to me
once, and my history teacher didn't buy it.) I just stood there in
silence, knowing that from her point of view, it was not personal; and
she was right.
"Why didn't you come and talk to me? So that I could have a better understanding of your situation."
"I am sorry. It was my fault that I hadn't explained myself." I would
explain myself when I absolutely have to. I like to keep it low profile,
keep it anonymous, especially for the ones who are officially
registered the class (well, basically everyone else) because it might
complicate things. If I ever say anything in the class, I want the
others to think that I was one of them in a B.A. program, not someone
who is done with M.A. already. I don't want to be exotic one in the
group. I am not the desperate attention seeking breed.
"Fine. See you next week." The professor said.
"Thank you." I left the room quickly, looking for caffeine (I usually
don't drink coffee after noon, especially after my 6-espresso in the
morning. But today, I feel particularly stupid and I thought caffeine
might help). I found a small coffee shop in a basement, self service. I
put 50 cents in a can and poured myself a cup of coffee, sat down near
the door and the only coffee table book was on aquarium. Oh great, it
reminds me of all the fish, snails, shrimps, frogs and plants died in my
aquarium. It wasn't that long ago when I considered dropping in a few
piranhas to balance out the over numbered baby fish. Now I have only one
fish left, black and old, circling around the only survived water plant
in a fish bowl, all day long.
Math. Oh boy. Math. One of my classmates last year had stuck out her
tongue in our class, expressing the disgust towards math. She was doing
her thesis in surrealism; I guess there was nothing surreal about math.
No one says that you would have to finish one "-ism" before starting
the next. A lot of courses in the humanity faculty seem to be theme
oriented, even if you ever took, say, structuralism, there is no season
for you not to understand naturalism; there is no colloquium at the end
demands what you would have to know at the end of the senior year.
However in Nature science, you couldn't sit in Calculus unless you
passed college Algebra. Maybe that's why at times I feel to have
accomplished nothing at all after a whole day's class in humanities;
sometimes we just sat around and chatted. If you miss a day of school,
it doesn't feel like you'd missed much (or at all); but I remember how
lost I felt after missing a day of math. My grades are alright even
though I missed at least a third of program. Funny isn't it. I have more
questions now than when I just started.
