Morning, espresso, newspaper. I call it morning only because of the time of day, not because I woke up. It is hard to define "wake up" if you don't sleep. I am expected to give a rational reason every time I am sleepless. There is none. It is not unusual people behavior illogically, especially when logic becomes subjective. "Everything will be fine, it ought to be better." These are subjective adjectives I hear ( " I find no solace in your poor apology"). Grateful for the roof and the kindness, loving the one-hour long bus ride, sending out resumes like snowflakes. Communication means also convincing someone, one can be convincing, I can appear to be convinced. It is more the words and how you say them, more importantly, it is how you carry out your own words. ("you grow me like a evergreen, you've never seen the lonely me at all"). Unexpected is expected, once you've accustomed to what I have. Cellphones are invited so that people can talk themselves out of "situations" or rationalize whatever the irrational things they do more conveniently, so does alcohol. Some clichées are so true: silence is gold. Have you ever wondered why I try to sleep so early? We all judge people. We pay to be judged by judges. Pre-fer carries no negative connotation but pre-judge does. When someone with a mask rushing into a bank, are we supposed not to judge him/her by their appearance? It is a liquid line. When someone says others should not judge, is the speaker judging the "other"? It is repulsive the way you walk. I am not doing much better, it is not a good reason for doing the same thing. But it is legitimate. A demanding occupation is necessity, so that I can stop focusing on others' vice, so that others' scorn would abate. We are not at the same page, we fail to yield. Calumny might be white, but it is still a calumny. My absence is not on the list. My list is insertion of complete idleness.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
1000 candles and virgin fairy tales' night
1000 candles and virgin fairy tales’ night
2 days without electricity in the apartment. The last time I spent the evening with candles dated back to my high school years, when a couple of days a month we had no electricity. Everyday there was someone in the dark because of the power shortage. Certain districts’ power was cut off so that we could pull through an entire year. When the power was out, water was out too. People then stood in line with their family members carrying all the containers they could find, in front of wells, pulled water directly out of ground like in the movies. We has no gas line in the house, that is to say dinning out, sitting on the roof afterwards and watching the stars. We did our own things until it was bed time; doing homework in candle light was a monthly rite. In the winter time we buried ourselves under mountains of blankets; summer time we waved our hands in the air chasing away mosquitoes. I loved it when the power was out, it meant that I didn’t have to bear my mother’s cooking. I saw the news when there was a black out in New York. I couldn’t decipher what was special about the fact, made it on breaking news; until after living in developed countries for a few years, where power supply is constant and there is heating or air-conditioning in most of the closed areas. My mother was surprised that I wore only a pullover in the middle of Winter in my university.
It has been almost a decade since the last time the electricity was cut off in my flat. I realize how much power dependency I’ve developed. I sat in the cold (well, I had to say that it never gets this cold where my high school was) and dark room, and I asked myself:” What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Soul searching?”
I lit a bunch of candles and read newspaper, while fearing the newspaper would catch fire( and everyone’s nightmare that I’d burn down a house one day would finally become true!) We used a lighter to light up the gas oven and stoves, we left them running all night long so that we don’t end up to be ice blocks in the morning(it is –3°C at night), we cooked and dined under candle light, not for the romance sake; we had no hot water on the tap; the washing machine was on when they shut off the electricity, so there was plenty of water left in the machine, and when we finally opened it and took out all the laundry, the kitchen was flooded.
The story is: the electricity bill had always been 40 euros a month until last November. For no particular reason the cost was raised and we got a bill for over 1000 euros stating from November to January. The power company asked for a partial payment with the deadline of Feb. 4, I transferred the payment at the end of January then our lights were put out on the 2nd of February. It felt like something only Homer Simpson would do: laying back in the control room and all the sudden felt like pushing some bottoms. (If you feel like pushing bottoms, buy a Gameboy and exercise your finger muscles on it. Stop pushing mine!) The next day we had lawyers on the phone, asking the Company to verify the bill and payment -- it made no sense to randomly cut off our energy even though we had paid. They refused to negotiate, so we had to go for a trail. There would be no restitution if we win, we would get our electricity flow again. I thought Homer would be questioned and soon the light should be back on again, but I later realized that the law suit was between the user and the company, which is not as simple as I thought, imagine if we have to sue Mr. Burns.
The trail started running this morning at 8:30am, and we are still waiting for the results.
So back to the point, what can we do without electricity?
“I can’t sleep, can you tell me a bedtime story? Tell me a Märchen.”
“Go to sleep.”
“Come on, I never had that experience. No one ever told me bedtime stories.”
“Ok. Once upon a time there were 3 ugly sisters. Then one day came a step sister, who was absolutely gorgeous. But the 3 sisters were really mean to her and made her work in the kitchen all the time. One day, there was s huge party in town, and the prince was coming. All the citizens joined the party besides the step sister, who had to wash dishes in the kitchen. After hours and hours of partying, everyone was drunk and passed out, the Prince came to the kitchen for some hot bread. Then he saw the step sister and fell in love, and they lived happy ever after.”
“What happened to the bread?”
“What?”
“What kind of bread was it?”
“Why don’t you ask me what was the name of the bread.”
“Did it have a name?”
“…”
“Tell me another one, for example, what happened to the woman with long hair?”
“That sounds like some criminal series. I don’t know what happened to the woman with long hair.. an accident?”
“No, maybe, I don’t know the story. A woman locked up in a castle and she’s got long hair.”
“I don’t remember, I need sleep.”
“Last one, then we will go to sleep.”
“Fine. Once upon a time in a kingdom lived a prince, who knew a hunter that taught him how to follow animals. One day, the prince found a bear near a tree, so he climbed up the tree to have a better look at the bear. All the sudden the bear became angry and started shaking the tree like crazy because there was a beehive on the top of the tree and he was afraid that the prince was going to steal his honey. The prince threw the beehive at the bear and scared the beast away. Then the prince lived in this tree until today.”
“And then?”
“And then he found a princess who lived in the trees too and they lived happy ever after.”
“Why did she live in trees too?”
“ I don’t know.”
“Did the prince ever contact his friends again? Cell phone would be helpful to stay in touch.”
“He can’t have cell phones, no electricity in the trees.”
“Did they live in the tree house or just trees?…”
………
2 days without electricity in the apartment. The last time I spent the evening with candles dated back to my high school years, when a couple of days a month we had no electricity. Everyday there was someone in the dark because of the power shortage. Certain districts’ power was cut off so that we could pull through an entire year. When the power was out, water was out too. People then stood in line with their family members carrying all the containers they could find, in front of wells, pulled water directly out of ground like in the movies. We has no gas line in the house, that is to say dinning out, sitting on the roof afterwards and watching the stars. We did our own things until it was bed time; doing homework in candle light was a monthly rite. In the winter time we buried ourselves under mountains of blankets; summer time we waved our hands in the air chasing away mosquitoes. I loved it when the power was out, it meant that I didn’t have to bear my mother’s cooking. I saw the news when there was a black out in New York. I couldn’t decipher what was special about the fact, made it on breaking news; until after living in developed countries for a few years, where power supply is constant and there is heating or air-conditioning in most of the closed areas. My mother was surprised that I wore only a pullover in the middle of Winter in my university.
It has been almost a decade since the last time the electricity was cut off in my flat. I realize how much power dependency I’ve developed. I sat in the cold (well, I had to say that it never gets this cold where my high school was) and dark room, and I asked myself:” What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Soul searching?”
I lit a bunch of candles and read newspaper, while fearing the newspaper would catch fire( and everyone’s nightmare that I’d burn down a house one day would finally become true!) We used a lighter to light up the gas oven and stoves, we left them running all night long so that we don’t end up to be ice blocks in the morning(it is –3°C at night), we cooked and dined under candle light, not for the romance sake; we had no hot water on the tap; the washing machine was on when they shut off the electricity, so there was plenty of water left in the machine, and when we finally opened it and took out all the laundry, the kitchen was flooded.
The story is: the electricity bill had always been 40 euros a month until last November. For no particular reason the cost was raised and we got a bill for over 1000 euros stating from November to January. The power company asked for a partial payment with the deadline of Feb. 4, I transferred the payment at the end of January then our lights were put out on the 2nd of February. It felt like something only Homer Simpson would do: laying back in the control room and all the sudden felt like pushing some bottoms. (If you feel like pushing bottoms, buy a Gameboy and exercise your finger muscles on it. Stop pushing mine!) The next day we had lawyers on the phone, asking the Company to verify the bill and payment -- it made no sense to randomly cut off our energy even though we had paid. They refused to negotiate, so we had to go for a trail. There would be no restitution if we win, we would get our electricity flow again. I thought Homer would be questioned and soon the light should be back on again, but I later realized that the law suit was between the user and the company, which is not as simple as I thought, imagine if we have to sue Mr. Burns.
The trail started running this morning at 8:30am, and we are still waiting for the results.
So back to the point, what can we do without electricity?
“I can’t sleep, can you tell me a bedtime story? Tell me a Märchen.”
“Go to sleep.”
“Come on, I never had that experience. No one ever told me bedtime stories.”
“Ok. Once upon a time there were 3 ugly sisters. Then one day came a step sister, who was absolutely gorgeous. But the 3 sisters were really mean to her and made her work in the kitchen all the time. One day, there was s huge party in town, and the prince was coming. All the citizens joined the party besides the step sister, who had to wash dishes in the kitchen. After hours and hours of partying, everyone was drunk and passed out, the Prince came to the kitchen for some hot bread. Then he saw the step sister and fell in love, and they lived happy ever after.”
“What happened to the bread?”
“What?”
“What kind of bread was it?”
“Why don’t you ask me what was the name of the bread.”
“Did it have a name?”
“…”
“Tell me another one, for example, what happened to the woman with long hair?”
“That sounds like some criminal series. I don’t know what happened to the woman with long hair.. an accident?”
“No, maybe, I don’t know the story. A woman locked up in a castle and she’s got long hair.”
“I don’t remember, I need sleep.”
“Last one, then we will go to sleep.”
“Fine. Once upon a time in a kingdom lived a prince, who knew a hunter that taught him how to follow animals. One day, the prince found a bear near a tree, so he climbed up the tree to have a better look at the bear. All the sudden the bear became angry and started shaking the tree like crazy because there was a beehive on the top of the tree and he was afraid that the prince was going to steal his honey. The prince threw the beehive at the bear and scared the beast away. Then the prince lived in this tree until today.”
“And then?”
“And then he found a princess who lived in the trees too and they lived happy ever after.”
“Why did she live in trees too?”
“ I don’t know.”
“Did the prince ever contact his friends again? Cell phone would be helpful to stay in touch.”
“He can’t have cell phones, no electricity in the trees.”
“Did they live in the tree house or just trees?…”
………
Monday, February 2, 2009
Note on the edge of Feb.
All the sudden I realize that I spend between 18 to 20 hours in bed. It has been about a year. My troubled sleep hardly troubles me anymore, for I have become an effigy. My neck and back are killing me. I stay in bed even I am not sleeping, the constant hibernating state has rooted. I barely have reasons to unwrap myself from blankets.
It is madness.
Sanity has been sifted from my sense; the time becomes dwindle while I am soaked in my sinuous mood. We raise the glass containing desperation and light a cigarette to provide a reason to continue breathing. My failure to curtail any vice, my surrounding is the catalysis to drown my idiosyncrasy.
It snowed last weekend. I took a suit to the dry cleaning down the street. As I opened the door, there was a blond woman picking up her dress and the owner ( a lady in her 70s') were having some friendly conversations. After the blond left the store, the smile on the owner's face disappeared. She tapped the table suggesting me to put down the suit there, ( A "hello" would be nice?) and she typed the price on the cash register and pointed it to me (that's right, that is not even a slightest chance that I could understand numbers in German). I paid, and she took the suit to the back. (Oh my God, I made her mute!)
And I have to go back and pick up the dry cleaning one day.
After spending so much time in solitude, any direct human contact is a glare, and a 30-minute bus ride a revel. I am losing the ability to articulate as my world is silent in long intervals. Then, through your breath I sense no hope. From time to time there are only lyrics of music waved my thoughts, as if I had lost my own threads long time ago. "I find no solace in your poor apology". You live off liquid and I live under a vault of your politicians' promises, with beliefs carved in me furtively.
It is madness.
Sanity has been sifted from my sense; the time becomes dwindle while I am soaked in my sinuous mood. We raise the glass containing desperation and light a cigarette to provide a reason to continue breathing. My failure to curtail any vice, my surrounding is the catalysis to drown my idiosyncrasy.
It snowed last weekend. I took a suit to the dry cleaning down the street. As I opened the door, there was a blond woman picking up her dress and the owner ( a lady in her 70s') were having some friendly conversations. After the blond left the store, the smile on the owner's face disappeared. She tapped the table suggesting me to put down the suit there, ( A "hello" would be nice?) and she typed the price on the cash register and pointed it to me (that's right, that is not even a slightest chance that I could understand numbers in German). I paid, and she took the suit to the back. (Oh my God, I made her mute!)
And I have to go back and pick up the dry cleaning one day.
After spending so much time in solitude, any direct human contact is a glare, and a 30-minute bus ride a revel. I am losing the ability to articulate as my world is silent in long intervals. Then, through your breath I sense no hope. From time to time there are only lyrics of music waved my thoughts, as if I had lost my own threads long time ago. "I find no solace in your poor apology". You live off liquid and I live under a vault of your politicians' promises, with beliefs carved in me furtively.
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