Week nights, weekend nights, I sit alone in front of a computer screen and keep pushing the bed time. It is quite, from now and then you can hear the passing traffic, but that is it. I hardly have memories of evenings because all of them are the same, I start to lose a sense of time after certain hour, can't wait to be unconscious.
One of my friends said that she dreamt of me the other night: I was on top of a building, on a balcony; she asked me to come down but I said I couldn't because of some document issues, then she ran up and held me tight. She woke up felt like crying. I haven't been nightmares-free myself, dreamt about killing children because they annoyed me and no one believed my motivations, those children are only visible when dead. Feel like being Charlotte in Lost in Translation, but in a long run. On top of which, a lot of my friends can't attend my party because they live far away, or because they are back home for the holiday season, and my family have no intention to attend either. Not surprising though, something I am used to, like many other things I have gone used to.
Last year the beggars ask me for an euro, two months ago they asked me for 40 cents, and this afternoon in the metro they asked me for "10 or 20 cents". Always the exact amount but with the financial situation, they realize that the expectations are to be lowered. Young well-dressed men ask for "10 or 20 cents", why? A bottle of beer (0.5 Liter) costs 24-38 cents, cheaper than water. When you recycle the bottle it gives you back 6 cents per bottle, someone I know is living off it to get enough booze. What have we become?
Expectations are to be lowered. US changed the BMI standard to mask the obesity percentage; France tries to higher the fatty food taxes to courage people buy healthier food; tobacco taxes are raised to cut the number of smokers; I pass out early to make the time go faster. We alter the exterior elements attemping to change our behaviors, and... it is not working.
It snowed today, the first snow fall of the year. Although it didn't last very long but the weather is ridiculously cold. It happened when I was on my class break and I put on my hood for a rollie. This Winter is colder than the last one and I hope this is the only worse side of it. I had waited so long for sunny days, and when they came, they only dropped by briefly. I should be more productive, in a cold wet and windy night, and yet, my spirit says no.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Guten Tag Doktor
I was already awake before the alarm went off at 7:30AM -- the big day, and my brain knew that, somehow. Shower, espresso, news online, check my documents one more time -- I had to carry my travel backpack with me, you can imagine how much document I had to bring. Metro ride, security check, looking for the court room, kept looking for the court room, found the court room, waited for the lawyer, then three of us went into the room. I later realized that he was not actually a judge, but under the title of "Dr." and his duty was never very clear to me, but he could give me a verdict, the most important one in my little life.
Take a moment to think what the stereotype of German judge would be like: skinny, old, tall, with round brown-rimmed glasses and absolute humorless? Bingo!
Three of us entered the room, we sat in front of a 5-drawer for documents, which was served as our table, then he entered the date of our ID cards, looked through every visa in my passport, had us signed the paper that we came without being under influences of drugs. I noticed that there was a Chinese calligraphy means "water" was framed and on the wall. Remember this, it comes handy later. Then my partner was given two sheets of paper full of questions, he was to answer them in another room while me sitting in front of the computer with the Doc.
"Are we waiting for an interpreter?"
"No." my lawyer crossed his legs.
So the process began: I had to answer 20 questions in details. Half of the questions were for Reality TV show, a quarter of them were ... the opposite of not-stupid. At times, it was not the question itself which made me unease, but his commonts. For example: what hold you guys together? I said comment interests, like reading, listening to music, traveling, photography. "But there is nothing to hold you together. I mean if you do a bike tour together and one's bike breaks down, you have to rely on the other. It works also for rock-climbing and hiking."
"But I don't do any sport."
"But nothing you do together promises to bind you guys together."
what does that mean? I am supposed to have a co-independence if I ever do sport? OK, move on.
"What did you do on Nov. 1 2008?"
"We went to Sanssouci." (For those who are unfamiliar with touristic area around Berlin, Sanssouci castle is the most famous one here. But the Doc took out a dictionary and looked up how to spell it! Are you kidding me? If you can't spell it, you probably won't be able to read my diplomas from France, am I right? )
He was so dry, I almost took out my water bottle and started pouring water on his head.
"It is not normal that you never went back to see your family."
"OK. It is not, maybe." AND?
"Can you prove that you studied in University of Marc Bloch in Strasbourg?"
"Yes."
"Can you show me the certificate."
"No. I didn't finish it."
"But can you prove that you did part of the studies?"
"It was online. I can contact my professors and have them send me something in written form."
"OK, so you can't prove it."
NEXT.
"Have you consider the age-difference would be a problem."
"No."
"Why do you think it is not important?"
"Should I?"
"How many years of age-difference did your parents have?"
"3."
"See?"
"No." ---Yes, they are separated. Good point.
"How long did you stay during your vacation in Berlin in June 2006?"
"I don't remember. 4 days? longer? Let's say 4 or 5 days."
"Did you work in the States?"
"Yes."
"As?"
"Italian assistant for a semester, in book stores, restaurants..."
"So you speak Italian?"
"Yes." --- I don't know how it works in your country, but when I was working, you sort of kind of have to speak the language in order to teach it.
I need to give him a gift -- a Chinese calligraphy means "ocean", apparently only water wouldn't do. We have a drought here.
"Did you celebrate for the engagement?"
"No."
"Why?"
Is it a trick question?
"Do you remember the exact date?"
"No."
"Who does he will invite to the ceremony?"
"I don't know."
.....
My partner spent half of the time to answer the same questions because he wrote down:"I find this question is too boring to be answered." or "This question makes no sense." etc. I spent an hour and a half, in front of a PC screen, waiting for him to type up 5 page, single spaced, no header or footer answers with two fingers. 5 PAGES, I am not kidding and I needed to sign every single page.
"You know what you are signing, right?"
"Yes." --- I just dictated the entire 5 pages, come on now.
The door was then opened, I was asked to be staying outside waiting with my lawyer while the Doc and my partner talk. In the corridor I was asking my lawyer if we could change the "judge", if we could have a repeal because from the last 90 minutes, I had the impression that he was trying all he might to prove me wrong and small: I have no job, didn't finish my studies in Strasbourg, didn't see my family for a long time, didn't go hiking... maybe at least we would need to plan on a repeal. Another half an hour later. Three of us were invited back to the office, and the Doc said that he would us a positive verdict, latest next Tuesday.
I can't tell you how I felt as we left the court. As if the feeling of happiness needed a moment to kick in. Well, it did. When I was eating microwaved rice with Tzatziki sauce and I thought I needed a better lunch because despite all, we did it. And maybe the Doc just the way he is, humorless in the office but probably amused by our careless attitude.
Now I am going out for some real food.
Take a moment to think what the stereotype of German judge would be like: skinny, old, tall, with round brown-rimmed glasses and absolute humorless? Bingo!
Three of us entered the room, we sat in front of a 5-drawer for documents, which was served as our table, then he entered the date of our ID cards, looked through every visa in my passport, had us signed the paper that we came without being under influences of drugs. I noticed that there was a Chinese calligraphy means "water" was framed and on the wall. Remember this, it comes handy later. Then my partner was given two sheets of paper full of questions, he was to answer them in another room while me sitting in front of the computer with the Doc.
"Are we waiting for an interpreter?"
"No." my lawyer crossed his legs.
So the process began: I had to answer 20 questions in details. Half of the questions were for Reality TV show, a quarter of them were ... the opposite of not-stupid. At times, it was not the question itself which made me unease, but his commonts. For example: what hold you guys together? I said comment interests, like reading, listening to music, traveling, photography. "But there is nothing to hold you together. I mean if you do a bike tour together and one's bike breaks down, you have to rely on the other. It works also for rock-climbing and hiking."
"But I don't do any sport."
"But nothing you do together promises to bind you guys together."
what does that mean? I am supposed to have a co-independence if I ever do sport? OK, move on.
"What did you do on Nov. 1 2008?"
"We went to Sanssouci." (For those who are unfamiliar with touristic area around Berlin, Sanssouci castle is the most famous one here. But the Doc took out a dictionary and looked up how to spell it! Are you kidding me? If you can't spell it, you probably won't be able to read my diplomas from France, am I right? )
He was so dry, I almost took out my water bottle and started pouring water on his head.
"It is not normal that you never went back to see your family."
"OK. It is not, maybe." AND?
"Can you prove that you studied in University of Marc Bloch in Strasbourg?"
"Yes."
"Can you show me the certificate."
"No. I didn't finish it."
"But can you prove that you did part of the studies?"
"It was online. I can contact my professors and have them send me something in written form."
"OK, so you can't prove it."
NEXT.
"Have you consider the age-difference would be a problem."
"No."
"Why do you think it is not important?"
"Should I?"
"How many years of age-difference did your parents have?"
"3."
"See?"
"No." ---Yes, they are separated. Good point.
"How long did you stay during your vacation in Berlin in June 2006?"
"I don't remember. 4 days? longer? Let's say 4 or 5 days."
"Did you work in the States?"
"Yes."
"As?"
"Italian assistant for a semester, in book stores, restaurants..."
"So you speak Italian?"
"Yes." --- I don't know how it works in your country, but when I was working, you sort of kind of have to speak the language in order to teach it.
I need to give him a gift -- a Chinese calligraphy means "ocean", apparently only water wouldn't do. We have a drought here.
"Did you celebrate for the engagement?"
"No."
"Why?"
Is it a trick question?
"Do you remember the exact date?"
"No."
"Who does he will invite to the ceremony?"
"I don't know."
.....
My partner spent half of the time to answer the same questions because he wrote down:"I find this question is too boring to be answered." or "This question makes no sense." etc. I spent an hour and a half, in front of a PC screen, waiting for him to type up 5 page, single spaced, no header or footer answers with two fingers. 5 PAGES, I am not kidding and I needed to sign every single page.
"You know what you are signing, right?"
"Yes." --- I just dictated the entire 5 pages, come on now.
The door was then opened, I was asked to be staying outside waiting with my lawyer while the Doc and my partner talk. In the corridor I was asking my lawyer if we could change the "judge", if we could have a repeal because from the last 90 minutes, I had the impression that he was trying all he might to prove me wrong and small: I have no job, didn't finish my studies in Strasbourg, didn't see my family for a long time, didn't go hiking... maybe at least we would need to plan on a repeal. Another half an hour later. Three of us were invited back to the office, and the Doc said that he would us a positive verdict, latest next Tuesday.
I can't tell you how I felt as we left the court. As if the feeling of happiness needed a moment to kick in. Well, it did. When I was eating microwaved rice with Tzatziki sauce and I thought I needed a better lunch because despite all, we did it. And maybe the Doc just the way he is, humorless in the office but probably amused by our careless attitude.
Now I am going out for some real food.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Play God -- up close and personal
I kept trying to tell myself that this November started well: I got my first luxus weekend gate-away near a lake; my obtenting of German C1 level certificate (School-ditching finally paid off! And I can go to university with it.), Obama became the new president of the US; we got a bigger classroom in my school and I love my new scarf --- I shouldn't be finding myself at the verge of snapping.
We heard from the highest court(KG) today, as I got the call, I decided to cut my lunch short and see the document. Sitting in a restaurant and waiting for my espresso, I didn't realize my hand that held the paper was actually shaking until it was seized. The judge wanted me to further prove that my student card from Strasburg was real, I was accepted in a program there, and my German class in Nice truly happened. Here is the thing: the judge had ALL the photo copies of the documents above, my student card from Strasburg comes with a bar-code, it was stamped, I sent her also the acceptance letter from the university, stamped, signed (because it was real), and my German class in Nice's prove was written in GERMAN!
What do you want next? Show you that my jean size in Germany is 34 but it is 36 in France? Or have you lost my photo copies? In that case, let me help you to remember, these paper are between your Whiskey flash and cocktail mixer on the south-side of your office. You might happen to leave them there before your vacation because you told my lawyer that the decision was made, the verdict was positive two weeks ago, and what has changed? Your one-night-stand during the vacation wasn't good enough? He never called you back as he promised? (or she) If not, is this becoming personal? Because it SHOULDN'T. You are the supreme judge from the supreme court, you should know this better than anyone else. If this is the case maybe you should get a new job, for example a private insurance salesman (or woman to be politically correct) it'd be ethical to get up close and personal. If none of the case above applies to you, the only reason would be: you are playing God, you know you are the judge and you know that we know it too; you pick on us for no good reason and I am supposed to be playing along, putting on an insincere smile while I scream in anger silently. When you soundly sleep at night I toss and turn because of your mischief.
I walked back to the flat although it was raining. I took a walk so that I wouldn't snap in the middle of the metro ride. We are to meet up with the lawyer and discuss the case again this weekend, and yet, there are tons of buttons on my skin now.
We heard from the highest court(KG) today, as I got the call, I decided to cut my lunch short and see the document. Sitting in a restaurant and waiting for my espresso, I didn't realize my hand that held the paper was actually shaking until it was seized. The judge wanted me to further prove that my student card from Strasburg was real, I was accepted in a program there, and my German class in Nice truly happened. Here is the thing: the judge had ALL the photo copies of the documents above, my student card from Strasburg comes with a bar-code, it was stamped, I sent her also the acceptance letter from the university, stamped, signed (because it was real), and my German class in Nice's prove was written in GERMAN!
What do you want next? Show you that my jean size in Germany is 34 but it is 36 in France? Or have you lost my photo copies? In that case, let me help you to remember, these paper are between your Whiskey flash and cocktail mixer on the south-side of your office. You might happen to leave them there before your vacation because you told my lawyer that the decision was made, the verdict was positive two weeks ago, and what has changed? Your one-night-stand during the vacation wasn't good enough? He never called you back as he promised? (or she) If not, is this becoming personal? Because it SHOULDN'T. You are the supreme judge from the supreme court, you should know this better than anyone else. If this is the case maybe you should get a new job, for example a private insurance salesman (or woman to be politically correct) it'd be ethical to get up close and personal. If none of the case above applies to you, the only reason would be: you are playing God, you know you are the judge and you know that we know it too; you pick on us for no good reason and I am supposed to be playing along, putting on an insincere smile while I scream in anger silently. When you soundly sleep at night I toss and turn because of your mischief.
I walked back to the flat although it was raining. I took a walk so that I wouldn't snap in the middle of the metro ride. We are to meet up with the lawyer and discuss the case again this weekend, and yet, there are tons of buttons on my skin now.
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