First snow in 2008

Week nights, weekend nights, I sit alone in front of a computer screen and keep pushing the bed time. It is quite, from now and then you can hear the passing traffic, but that is it. I hardly have memories of evenings because all of them are the same, I start to lose a sense of time after certain hour, can't wait to be unconscious.

One of my friends said that she dreamt of me the other night: I was on top of a building, on a balcony; she asked me to come down but I said I couldn't because of some document issues, then she ran up and held me tight. She woke up felt like crying. I haven't been nightmares-free myself, dreamt about killing children because they annoyed me and no one believed my motivations, those children are only visible when dead. Feel like being Charlotte in Lost in Translation, but in a long run. On top of which, a lot of my friends can't attend my party because they live far away, or because they are back home for the holiday season, and my family have no intention to attend either. Not surprising though, something I am used to, like many other things I have gone used to.

Last year the beggars ask me for an euro, two months ago they asked me for 40 cents, and this afternoon in the metro they asked me for "10 or 20 cents". Always the exact amount but with the financial situation, they realize that the expectations are to be lowered. Young well-dressed men ask for "10 or 20 cents", why? A bottle of beer (0.5 Liter) costs 24-38 cents, cheaper than water. When you recycle the bottle it gives you back 6 cents per bottle, someone I know is living off it to get enough booze. What have we become?

Expectations are to be lowered. US changed the BMI standard to mask the obesity percentage; France tries to higher the fatty food taxes to courage people buy healthier food; tobacco taxes are raised to cut the number of smokers; I pass out early to make the time go faster. We alter the exterior elements attemping to change our behaviors, and... it is not working.

It snowed today, the first snow fall of the year. Although it didn't last very long but the weather is ridiculously cold. It happened when I was on my class break and I put on my hood for a rollie. This Winter is colder than the last one and I hope this is the only worse side of it. I had waited so long for sunny days, and when they came, they only dropped by briefly. I should be more productive, in a cold wet and windy night, and yet, my spirit says no.