Update for Sept.

It was 2AM. I was still awake, after doing all the dishes and laundries, I wonder what was wrong with my go-to-sleep-part of my brain.

The winter is almost officially here. The leaves fell before they changed color. So here goes my fall foliage dream.

I woke up at 6AM yesterday and decided to go to a cafe at 8AM. It was windy but sunny. A man next to me brought his own heavy cream added to his coffee; next door is a bank, someone in suit and ties rushed out the double-door and lit a cigarette. I tried to concentrate on the homework but I simply couldn't, having nothing but the verdict in my mind (To the court: You're so natural - religiously unkind) I started to wonder if the mail was lost somewhere between Schöneberg and Neukölln.

4:10PM. I finished the class and dialed his number. Both of his cell phones were off and his co-worker didn't know where he was. I called the flat.

"What is going on?"
"I am a bit upset." I could smell the ethanol through the telephone.
"I am going to the metro now."

I opened the door, he sat in front of TV with a bottle of Ballantine's. It was half empty. We went into the kitchen and I poured myself a serving. He looked at my glass:"I am not a good example."
"No, you are not."
"How was school?"
"Good. I called the office, L. told me that you weren't there."
"Maybe you and him should talk, he is my friend, and it'd be nice if you guys can get along."
"There is nothing to talk about. I don't hate him anymore. What happened that night in April was so fucked up. I packed my suitcase and the only reason why I am still here today was because my French bank account got blocked and I had no way to buy a train ticket."
"I can only say that I am sorry. I am better now, am I not?"
"So, tell me what happened if you want."
"I had a fight with G. I am not sure what got into him, it was not the first time. So I took my pizza to-go and left in the middle of our conversation."
"Eh-huh."
"And thanks for helping me financially, I really appreciate that."
"Sure."
"I am going to the bathroom, be right back."

I poured the rest of the Ballantine's down the drain.

I laid awake all night, counting the minutes left until my next INS appointment (Monday 29 Sept. at 9AM), the funky part is: they might have a strike that day, and I don't have my verdict. I thought about the vacations I took, friends I used to hang out with, sleeping pills I abused, traffic tickets I received, the shitty jobs I had... all of them seemed so intangible, abstract, transparent. I tossed and turned, tossed and turned.

5:12AM.

"Why are you awake?" he asked.
"I can't sleep."
"Why?"
"I want pancakes."

He made pancakes. We had a gigantic breakfast.

10AM. I walked down the Kottbusserdamm behind my iPod (Sostanza dei giorni miei, Sostanza dei giorni miei) A young woman put her paper cup right under my nose asking for small changes. I made an effort smiled and shook my head. She followed me, shook the cup near my ear, and taped on my arm. I turned with a vexed look:"Sweetheart, you pick the wrong day to piss me off." She suddenly became immobile, like a wax figure in the middle of the street.

Decided to take a break from school after tomorrow. I can't afford it financially and mentally. And yet, having nothing to do depresses me even more.

I should go and take a walk to the Cemetery.

Foxy Afternoon

The temperature dropped suddenly. Only 7C at night, we skipped the fall. The weather feels worse when the changes you have been wait for are not happening. I had to buy a third folder for my file, doing it the German way, punched two holes and put them neatly in chronological order and scan everything. Finally got a letter from the highest court in the region (KG), the judge said that the verdict was yet to be made: there were still more details to be examed.

I haven't decided if I will continue the German course because if I pass the MII test at the end of the month, there is only one higher level in the whole language scale table, but with MII, I can already go to school here. Although I missed the deadline and I have to wait for another year. I cross my finger to have my status stabilized soon, a job (or two) is a necessity.

Being seasonal sensitive, I have been more anti-social than usual. The itinerary is school--flat, with occasional supermarket visits, when I am obliged. Some of my friends left Germany because of the fall-vacation, some of them simply finished summer course, or got a job in a land far far away. The time seems to be dragging, a simple three-more-day-wait for the next letter from court appears to be eternal and I dream about it.

Nightmare time, I was frequently awaken and told that I had been screaming in my sleep.

The weather sucks, Nominalisierung von Verbalformen gives me headache, Mündliche Prüfung is intimidating, my backpack is broken and the heat is not yet on...

So I took a walk at 3PM in a cemetery. There was no one else, besides a fox. A tiny baby fox ran across the path as I approached a family grave. He stopped and tilted his head, staring at me with curiosity -- a person, an alive one! That was the first wild fox I have ever seen and we both just stood there...

As I was on my way to the exit, I turned around -- the fox was standing in the middle of the road, still with his tilted head and curious look, towards me.

First week of September

Attended my first wedding party alone. Well, not exactly alone, I shall say it was the first one without my parents. I was invited, as an adult. That was Saturday night, an Yugoslavian wedding, which was held on the second floor of a banquet room with 500 guests. When we arrived, being the only Germans (OK, I am not even German, so you can imagine I felt everyone was looking at me) but we were directed to a reserved table, the only reserved table, in the center next to the stage. Half of the guests were teenagers, dressed in suits and ties or cocktail dress with high heels, some of them were pregnant while holding cigarette in one hand and whiskey on the other. The live music was great, and I even knew some of the songs from Kayah's album. But I did not understand a word because it was all in Serbian. The music blared all night, people danced all night, I was asked: will mine be as big as this one?

As we left the party early, we realized that we were half deaf because the music was so loud. He held my hand -- "'Til death do us apart".

"'Til death do us apart." he said.

Despite Sunday was his birthday, we managed to have that day ethanol free, which explains why we were able to get up at 6:30 Monday morning and go to the INS. The woman behind the bullet-proofed glass told us to go to French Embassy here to extend my Visa because my residence card is French. He then pulled out a bunch of paper from a lawyer, showed her the laws. I saw her shaking her head, and yet, I could not really argue or defend my rights, in German. My knees were weak, watching they both throwing big words back and forth... finally, she gave us a form to fill in and asked me to wait outside.

"And? And?"
"Everything is alright. We have to get you photos (again) and then we will have an appointment."

Half an hour later, we returned to the same window, and she gave us a piece of paper, on which states that "Come in on 29th of September at 9AM sharp, we will discuss your legal issue."

I am on the 29th count-down since then.

It was not clear why I did not get a 6-month extention in a single day, like a lot of my classmates did.

Then we rushed to the Kammergericht all the way from Wedding to southern Schöneberg to pay the court charge. We are waiting for a verdict from Kammergericht; only then can we go back to Standsamte for further appointment, if the verdict is possitive. This shold take a couple of weeks.

Waiting, endless waiting.

Mom called and asked me how the things were going. I tried my best to explain but the lack of vocabulary announced our conversation was senseless. No idea how to say "appointment" (I kept telling her it was a "date" but it did not sound right somehow), or "Kammergericht" or "Verdict" or "Registry Office".

"Why didn't you get your extention again?"
"Because... because... how is the weather there?"

Pale September

Sunny Weekend, for once. Some people were making a film right outside of window for the entire two days and the streets were closed for hours. This is not a popular part of the town, but on the street (about 600-meter long) where the flat is, you can find more than 5 corner bars, including two or three neo-nazi-tainted, two vacancies which occupied by various business every 6 weeks, for the moment, they are both frisörs, an Asian and an Italian restaurant who offer certain people free Absolute, Gorbatschow, Lambrusco or Sambucca while the customers waiting for their order, two tobacco shops fill with people holding Sternburg in hand as early as 7AM, kebab wraps, fast food left-overs can be easily find on the ground floor window-sill -- one of the reasons why we don't keep the window open during our absence. I suppose the film makers were a lot more inspirational than me.

Sunday, I was invited for a get-together in the park. I hesitated, despite my desire to go.

"Do you have plans?" He asked.
"No."
"Too bad," he put on his shoes and said that he would need to work soon.

Something hit me in a split of a second.
"You know what? I am going to the Mauerpark." I took my rolling tobacco and left the flat.
Sitting on the S-Bahn and feeling the heat of sun through the window-- something has changed. Wait, no, things don't change, people change things, we are the beneficials or victim of changes not the things; at times we are so desperate or jaded to a point where nothing but the moment matters. And that moment for me was to get on the S-Bahn and meet my friends.

Lovely day, lovely weekend, for a change, until the moment I stepped in the zone, no one's over-kindness could cheer me up.

We are in September already.
We are in September already.
We are in September already.

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH