8am class...

             I am going to be 30 next week. I don’t feel like it--> OK, as if how I feel would matter. 

            Since I have been ditching 8am Tutorium for about a month now. I am too scared to go to my tutor’s office and ask for the homework back. I am not sure why I have been ditching pretty much half of my classes at the Uni. since early November. And for the freaking birthday, I wish I can make it to the 8am class. 

            I am standing in transit again. I hate this. It disappoints me to know that in a faculty where ethic and moral are being preached from the people who’s got none. It has always been my strong interest and childhood dream to become a theoretical physicist. I never used to regret doing my studies in the humanity field (hence the word “used to”). Today, I feel that I might have done my studies backwards. Maybe I should have begun with science to spare me from all this cynicalness and jadedness? Or not? Can growing up too fast not be a bad thing? Or the fact that all these years just confirm the “rumor” that some of those who live in the ivory towers are completely overrated and over paid? I was told that I would never be able to have any opportunity developing a career, not only because I didn’t have a mother tongue, but also because what is being done isn’t going to be needed in the society, “not like science or something like that” they said, “something that actually has visible contribution in the society.” Really?! Do you also think that what you do is senseless and over paid? You are not alone. 

            At least my private life is good. Marriage has been a pure success and we are going to celebrate our 5^th anniversary next week too! (Thanks love. And we haven’t separated for even a day since we got married! That’s almost 2000 days!) And I can’t complain about work. (Well, actually I could but I am not going to do it today). Since I’ve ditched all my classes this morning and early afternoon, I am going to take a shower and go to work now.

"Do you want a cookie?"

"Do you want a cookie?"

I kid you not; THIS has become my most used sentence in our institute. The reason is simply because I constantly get caught in a situation (mostly because of other people’s fault) that I can no longer repair. Hard to imagine how often have I nothing better to offer than a cookie. Paradoxically the institutes which provide after-school tutoring are sometimes heartless places, it feels like it doesn’t matter how much love you pour into this place, nothing much would ever come out.

Scenario 1

One of the math teachers didn't show up for the second time within a week. An eleven-year old girl who has officially signed up for his class and her mom had been eager to meet her math teacher. Nope, he had not been there Tuesday, nor did he come last Friday.

"Why didn't Mr. G show up?" She looked at me with her confused blue eyes behind thick glasses.

"Well, maybe he is sick."

"He had been sick the week before! And I knew that he was here yesterday."

"I am sorry that he didn't show up, you can come to my class if you want."

"Sure, I like you anyway."

Then we started math class. I helped her with her homework and just 10 minutes after my class began, the secretary came and told me that the French teacher didn't show up either, and I were to take care of that class too.

HOW?! And honestly WTFF?! So I went to the other room, copied some exercises for the French class and told the pupils that if they had any questions, I'd be in another room, teaching math.

OK, now I am back to the math class and tried to explain to her the homework again, but she didn’t want to do math anymore and asked:" Mr. G never comes, is it because of me?"

"No, of course not. What are you talking about?"

"If I had known that he wouldn't show up today, I wouldn't have come. Today is my best friend's birthday and our last weekend before school starts again."

"I am sorry that you missed her birthday. You don't have to come to after-school tutoring during your summer vacation, but you know that right?"

"No, no one ever told me about this!"

I cannot count how many times I had to apologize for other people that afternoon:"I am sorry that no one told you about this, but yeah, the summer school is not mandatory..."

"And I am missing my best friend's birthday while my teacher just didn't feel like coming to work?!"

"...." I didn't know how to answer this... so I asked her when her birthday would be.

"In 3 weeks."

"Any plans to celebrate your birthday."

"Well, I had tickets for Selina Gomez's concert, and I was really happy and excited about this. Then a few days ago she announced that she would move the concert to Frankfurt, and it is on a school night, so I can't go. But that had been my birthday day present...."

Then she lost it.

For the first time I had a pupil broke into tears in my class, and I had no idea how to repair this anymore.

"Do you want a cookie? I am sorry that you missed the birthday party, but I can offer you a cookie."

She stopped crying and smiled:"Yes please!"

So I went into the kitchen and "stole" a few chocolate cookies for her. It is such a childish act, and yet, there was nothing better I could offer.

Scenario 2

I came to work early like a lot of pupils, who have school in the morning and tutoring in the afternoon, while in between we have nowhere to go, so we just mostly sit in the corridor in the institute, playing games in our cell phones.

I sat next to a 12-year girl who spends 4 days a week here.

"Hey, pretty hair cut." I said.

"Thank you." She replied politely, “can I switch to your class?"

She asks me almost every week, but I have to tell her the same thing every single time:"I am sorry, I don't have any influence over the organization, and I don't get to choose my own pupils."

"But I don't want to stay with that teacher!"

"Well... I don't know what to tell you.... I am here 4 times a week and I teach math more frequently than English and/or French. I do sub. for your teachers from time to time, but I really don't really get to choose when or whom I teach..."

Just at that moment, her English teacher went by and said:"Ha! Beautiful hair cut."

The girl replied, politely as usual: "thank you."

Then the teacher turned around, back to us, and said out LOUD:"But the girl is not."

I swear; I almost slapped his face, with a fucking chair!!!! You don't say this to a 12-year old; you don't say this to ANYONE!!!

The girl turned to me with sad eyes: "Do you think I am ugly?"

"No... that teacher wasn't serious, don't listen to him! I find you pretty."

"Do you think I am fat?"

"No, you are slim, and in NO way overweight."

"You are just saying that!"

"No, I can PROOVE it!" So I took out my laptop and opened a website for BMI:"now I want you to put in your height and weight here, then click 'calculate'."

She did, and it turned out that she was a bit underweight.

"See? Science doesn't lie. I want you to stop thinking that you were ugly or fat, you are pretty and scientifically proved slim."

"Thank you. Why can't I switch to your class?"

"Do you want a cookie?"

"Yes, please. Would you bring some for me?"

"Sure, next time when we bake cookies, I will put an extra bag for you."

"But just for me, not for other people."

"I also bring cookies for the entire institute, but I will make an extra bag just for you."

Scenario 3

When someone is psychologically blocked, it doesn't matter what you do, logic has no chance to settle in.

"Do you have any homework today?"

"Yes, we started linear equation today and I have no idea what the teacher was talking about in class."

I spent the following hour explaining only one principle: if you add 6 on both sides, you will need to literally plus 6 on both sides.

"But why do I need to plus 6 on the right side?"

"Because you already added 6 on the left side and in order to keep this as equation, hence the usage of the equal sign, you would need to add 6 on the right side too."

"But in the previous program, you wanted me to minus 11 on both sides."

"Yes, because we want to put the terms with variables on one side, and the rest on the other."

"I don't know what to do: sometimes you said that I would add, sometimes you said that I should subtract... when do I need to add again?"

"It depends on the individual problem..."

"I am not getting this. Sometimes I need to add, and sometimes I have to do the opposite."

"OK, do you want a cookie?"

Tortuga

Tomorrow I am off. For the first time in a while because of my erratic schedule. Summer break is almost coming to an end, and I haven't started to type that paper. I have decided to indulge myself a second chance for B.sc. and I will surely be less slacky this time. I can't afford it emotionally somehow, not worth it.

Work is fine. Did I mention that I am teaching again? And I will stop sending out my applications for a while (unless the job is math-related). Pupils are surprisingly cooperative where I work and the pay is good. I never thought that I would say this: but I sometimes take work home; although my career plan is the opposite of such nature.

Had a surreal experience with one of the job situations. I was asked to write a hypothetical letter and it turned out that they had wanted a research based letter. I am not sure how they interpret "hypothetical", but apparently I had been misunderstanding it for almost 30 years! Sure, these are elite-academic secret codes I was supposed to decipher, but really, don't they have a less condescending way to express it? They wrote back and said that I lacked the ability to identify them, but if they had said that their hypothetical situation were a real one, I would have done it differently.

It is like "Tortuga": either you already know it, or you will never know.

So I guess I will stick with after school coaching ... it is a rewarding job and the people I work with are really nice. Despite the teenager rebelling, I seem to get along with them just fine, although maybe a more authority figure was expected. I doubt that I will ever be able to pull it off, I weight as much as the pupils, if they are under 14.

Surprisingly enough that some of them spend 4 days a week in the after school coaching institute, and some of them stay until 8pm. We are talking about children cancelled their sport programs after school, and sit in a less crowded classroom to do math. We have children as young as 8, who just barely started elementary school and the parents wish for a perfect academic performance. I had children who got B's at school and the parents told me that the children should be getting A's. Besides math, which I teach 4 days a week, I do English, French and Physics as well. So we'd be speaking English/French or writing their English/French homework about their favorite sports (which they had to give up), or favorite food (which they seldom get to eat because they get home at 9pm) ... or what they would do when "it is all over" (after high school).

Oh yeah, high school time and the pressure of getting a better score at school. I can recall how terrible my school program was --> we had school from 6:40 am (I shit you not!) until like freaking 10pm; and our high school is still one of the worst in the province because you can't just send children to books 24/7 if their hearts are elsewhere. Half of my classmates slept during the day, who wouldn't?! You are compelled to focus on school 14 hours a day!

Well, the silly school program became one of the reasons I left. Now I ironically work in this very field. Children here probably don't have the same pressure as when I was growing up, but I still think it is difficult for them to be happy and enjoy the adultlescence.

Oddly enough, when the pupils asked me, what I had been doing during my high school and all; I had to admit that I also spent 90% of my time trying to get A's at school ... maybe at the beginning the pressure came from the family, but later on, I somehow developed my own academic ambition... but I would say that it came from within and not under the yelling of desperate parents.

Getting ready to go to work. Although we are in school break.

Oh, never mind, tomorrow I am not off anymore .... just got a call to sub for someone.

First note for the first month after June....

 So, officially we have gone through another half-year.

First day of the month starts with a Garfield Monday. Not only have I overslept the first lecture, I am missing the last theo lecture before the final exam coming up Wednesday.

It is a curse! Every single semester is two weeks too long for me. And you would think that I must have gotten used to it after all these years, doing nothing but homework and going to classes.

I am going to be 30 in a few months, an age where many are having the prime of their career; while I still panic over unfinished experiment protocols, crawling through science 101, sending out job applications for the upcoming summer break.

I am content though, although for many I might not appear so. I listen to "hier encore" and remember that I was singing that song in the car when I just turned 20. I recall being euphoric just to know that my paperwork and legal status had been sorted out...

It is a progress, I keep telling myself, besides being a student, I have other roles to fulfil in my little life and I am quite satisfied with what I have. Comparing to all my high school classmates, I am no doubt the luckiest one; despite Mom's regret to let me leave home as a minor, and I am more than happily married without kids. (Sorry, Mom, unhappily married with children is not on my list, and it never will.)

Really, I do feel grateful and the itchy feeling of imperfection only indicates my earning to change for the better. (well, better grades if you want to get specific; I sense the uncomfortable "in-transit" impression constantly crawling under my skin when I was applying for the professional journalism schools in France -- what I know is better than the average, but not good enough to get into the top 100.)

However, it is OK. The long and horrific winter promised a bright summer; Grandma would be happy to know that we are using her recipes and we are sharing them with others, Grandpa would be pleased to know about my academic ambition. And for the first time in my life I get to work for myself instead of for other people. (See Neutrale Zone)

Supposedly I have too many distractions, supposedly I am not a "either or" person, supposedly I am allergic to self-discipline, addicted to staying up all night whilst ditching classes in the morning (never work though; I have never overslept a work day)....it will all work out. (Am I the living proof of pure luck?!)

Just got a call and an email from a job I applied for two days ago (a good sign right? They contacted me separately because they are from different branches of the same company. I am not sure what to do yet.) I will likely to be working as a after-school-coach (at some Nachhilfe institute) this summer, although I am not sure what I will be teaching, I did apply for 6 subjects (!!! I really did.)

Busy summer, here I come :) And bring the Sun with you!

On Hold

April, the weather finally shows some signs of spring, with constant reminders of the winter. 

Linear Algebra is on hold; both theoretical and experimental physics are on hold, the Lab participation is on hold; my freaking (long overdue) thesis is on hold. Life seems to be on hold.

Chop it off, chop it off. I finally got a hair cut after 4 months (although winter had lasted way longer than that); it cut away all the little scorns, regrets and sadness. Chop it off, chop it off. Supposedly I needed to trim the rough edges -- perked up like quartz and crystal, used to slice open the skin, for I liked to watch it bleed. 

Invitation for a literary lecture about time and space – sorry, can’t make it: I have “real” calculation to do about real time and real space, struggling on relativity’s theory and Kepler’s problems. Sure, if I failed the class, I might go back to sitting a circle with them, talking about fiction without having to know anything about how our universe works. The literary aesthetics might not bring us to any practical developments (I don’t know, building a space ship and explore other parts of the galaxy? Or improving people’s lives by introducing new technology?), but it does give you a sense of compliment, I am sure there are people who are grateful for these written contribution to the mankind. 

Maybe it is because I’ve got the impression of returning to “career-teenager” days again: the world is disappointing and I am resentful. I am having a hard time adjusting to turning in homework 4 times a week, school 5 days a week; revise the lecture notes after dinner, confused to the point where I cannot even formulate the questions. But isn’t this all I wanted? Although I am not going to the first one to graduate from class this time. 

Flip a coin to check that box; if it lands on head I might actually take the tail. What difference does it make? I’d rather bet on the wrinkles on my knuckles. They say that we’d know the answer when the coin is in half air, but it didn’t happen to me. Life is still on hold.  

Year's End II

Mom called Saturday morning, the day after the school was out. She asked me if I had finished my finals and that Grandma left at 11:15 local time. “Don’t worry,” she added, “we are going to bring the ash back, and put it right next to Grandpa’s.” 

“Ok, Mom.” I hung up the phone and crawled back to bed. We shut off the phone and lit a candle. 

I never thought that I wouldn’t be around when it happens. 

We shut out the world to mourn. Then we realized, it’d be Grandma’s wish that we go out and live. It has always been. 

Monday, I followed the routine and showed up in this office. “The doctor will see you now.”

The secretary led me into the office, where a picture of human anatomy hangs on the wall.

“Come in. How are we doing today? Oh have you read this?” he handed me an article in the newspaper, stating that medical doctors are part of the richest professions in this country. “Can you believe it? And me? I am also a doctor. But I am not making as much as they do! I am barely making half of what they make! (We are talking about 8000 euros a month! So around 4000 euros a month is not enough for you?!) The system is not fair towards psychologists I am telling you… anyway… how are we doing today?”

“Grandma left last Saturday.”

“Oh…” 

Let me guess, you didn’t say anything contained the word “condolence” because patients are supposed to be only subjects for you? Is that how you define “professional”? Did I hear you correctly, your reaction upon my news, had been, solely, “OH”?!

“You know I am glad that you signed up for that class I suggested.”

“I didn’t sign up.” (Do you ever look at your own notes or listen to your patients?)

“Oh. Eh… why?”

“Like I said last week, the schedule for the coming semester is not online yet, and I need to see when I have time outside of school, for other things.”

He stood up from the desk, and I said to myself: “if you are going to show me your fucking certificate again, for the 100^th time, I am going to take that piece of paper and slap it you across your face with it.”

“See? Here is my certificate,” I wondered if he was suffering from Alzheimer. “I did a course and it cost me more than 300 euros!”

I am not a violent person, but I really wanted to slap him with it. I am bringing you around 90 euros an hour, and you are pushing it for twice a week. I am not doing it, because I have a life, and more than ever, I need to go out and live, not sitting here and counting your useless certificates and listening to you bitch about how much money you would like to make! Let me out! Let me out!

“We did some great exercises during the seminar, in order to obtain the certificate. For example, we spent 15 minutes with a grape. First of all, you don’t touch it, just look at it; then you touch it a bit, with one finger, afterwards with two, or three; before you put it between your teeth…”

My mind went blank after 30 seconds, while he went on and on and on about this fucking great grape that he had been in love with. 

“So, how does it improve my life?” I asked, noticing that he has stopped talking.

“It made everything slower. For example, when you cook, don’t talk to anyone, but concentrate on the things in your hand…”

“Listen, I do not cook; secondly, when WE cook together, we talk to each other, because that’s what people do when they are in a loving and satisfying relationship. People TALK to each other! Even when he is cooking for me, I am in the kitchen too, talking to him… because we are happy together!”

“It always surprises me that you have a functional relationship. But yeah, take that 6-week class I suggested. If this class were not good, that Institute wouldn’t have offered it.” The Doc. uttered.

Well, it always surprises me that you are working here, or the fact that being employed anywhere at all. 

“I just lost the most important woman in my life, facing financial and career crises, and all you can offer is a 6-week class from a new age-y institute with the argument that BECAUSE the course is from that institute, it can’t be wrong. Do I look stupid to you? Do you think I am 5 years old? You might as well tell me something is true because it says so in the Bible! I am gonna need a better argument than that!” 

Pause. Probably more uncomfortable for him than for me. 

“So, when can you come twice a week?”

“I don’t know.” I don’t even know if I want to be here at all, “I am waiting for the semester schedule to be put online. I will let you know though. I don’t have the luxury to make everything slower or to spend half an hour staring at two grapes every day. It takes me 3 hours every time I come here, and 6 hours a week isn’t anything I can afford in the near future.”

“But write to the institute and ask about that class!”

Has this become a religion for you? Do you have doubts in your own belief? If not, why would you try so desperately hard to convince others? If others said yes, it’d confirm your conviction isn’t it? You are not at peace either with yourself, so stop showing me your 300-euro certificate every time I come. 

“I am taking a break from all this next week. So we will see each other in 2 weeks. OK?” I stood up, as the session came to an end. 

It hasn’t stopped snowing for almost a week now. Grandma would have loved the snow. She told me that I had been born in the coldest winter of the century. It was the first time she had to go downstairs, filled buckets with snow, than melted it near fire to get water, for the pipes were completely frozen. She said that children survived the hardest winter were to be the strong ones; she said that she was never afraid of winter because she always knew where her heart would be.