All the sudden I realize that I spend between 18 to 20 hours in bed. It has been about a year. My troubled sleep hardly troubles me anymore, for I have become an effigy. My neck and back are killing me. I stay in bed even I am not sleeping, the constant hibernating state has rooted. I barely have reasons to unwrap myself from blankets.
It is madness.
Sanity has been sifted from my sense; the time becomes dwindle while I am soaked in my sinuous mood. We raise the glass containing desperation and light a cigarette to provide a reason to continue breathing. My failure to curtail any vice, my surrounding is the catalysis to drown my idiosyncrasy.
It snowed last weekend. I took a suit to the dry cleaning down the street. As I opened the door, there was a blond woman picking up her dress and the owner ( a lady in her 70s') were having some friendly conversations. After the blond left the store, the smile on the owner's face disappeared. She tapped the table suggesting me to put down the suit there, ( A "hello" would be nice?) and she typed the price on the cash register and pointed it to me (that's right, that is not even a slightest chance that I could understand numbers in German). I paid, and she took the suit to the back. (Oh my God, I made her mute!)
And I have to go back and pick up the dry cleaning one day.
After spending so much time in solitude, any direct human contact is a glare, and a 30-minute bus ride a revel. I am losing the ability to articulate as my world is silent in long intervals. Then, through your breath I sense no hope. From time to time there are only lyrics of music waved my thoughts, as if I had lost my own threads long time ago. "I find no solace in your poor apology". You live off liquid and I live under a vault of your politicians' promises, with beliefs carved in me furtively.
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