We
hadn't that many snowy days in early Spring for years. Maybe the Spring didn't
want to come. Tomorrow is the last day for the year of Dragon. We welcomed the
youngest member in the family, but we didn't know, this might be last year for
the oldest member of the family. This, is the first time, Grandma isn't sitting
on the table with the rest of them, at New Year's Eve, arguing about how much
salt and pepper should go into the filling, or laughing her head off about the
clumsiness of Mom, or the fact that they should call me ...
Mom wrote this morning, and asked me not to call. Grandma hasn't been conscious for a week now, the doctors said that they had done all they could. Mom said, that we should prepare for the worst; but the thing is, there is nothing to be done, all the perfect preparation in the world wouldn't change the course of the development, or our heartbreak. This is not how I want to it end!! Not at all!!
I told them that I've gotten this rotten feeling in my stomach; I told them that Grandma should absolutely come with Mom last November; we told them that we would even apply for an official accompany from the embassy if Grandma feared long distance flight; we told them that SHE HAD TO COME THIS TIME! But no, Mom came alone, brought handmade presents from Grandma; and Grandma was brought to the hospital the day before Mom headed home, hasn't left the hospital since... We don't know if she ever will.
I told them that if neither of these so called good sons would take the time to accompany her (and Mom); if anything happened before Grandma saw our life in our house with her own eyes, I would never forgive them. SO BE IT! I won't call them today, any of them, for the only one I want to talk to is still lying in the intensive care, and unconscious.
"You both don't need to come," Mom said on the phone, "Grandma wouldn’t know if you were here, and we are afraid of phone calls. That terrible phone call from the hospital could hit any moment..."
Don't worry, we are not going ... we can’t: I am in the middle of final exams (and flunked math already); we have to restart our careers again; there is still rent to be paid and checks to be sent...
Huge heavy snow flakes are falling silently outside the window, but this is not how I want to it end!! Not at all!!
I told Grandma that I would get her out; I told her that once my little chaotic life gains a bit stability, I would get her here; I told her that nothing in this world would ever ever stop me from spending more time with her during her senior years; I told her that I could provide things that all the money in the world can't buy, I told her that I would make her happy, WE would make her happy....
The last time I talked to her was two days before her operation; and this is not how I want to it end!! Not at all!!
"She IS happy, and content, for all the things you have done for her; she said that she was content all along, for you often called and talked to her; she said that you are her favorite child, and it was all worth it all the love she gave you. You ARE her favorite and she wants you to know it...." Mom told us.
And yet, this is not good enough for ME. Grandma only saw me and my husband ONCE in the past 12 years. This shouldn't be the end, it can't be, because it doesn't make sense to me, because I left so that I can one day provide her a better place to live; because I am lighting up a candle for her every day, and I would light up a thousand candles for her if it helps, ten thousand? What should I do? Just tell me what to do and I will do it.
Mom brought two sweaters and two huge scarves a couple of months ago, handmade from Grandma, personally tailored for us. I would have preferred her personal presence, we all have. I am in panic every time the cell phone rings, ... all these "should"s and "could"s and "would have"s..., the tearful eyes that last time I saw her in the airport, before our home flight to Europe, and I promised: this wouldn't the last time, and I believed, that wouldn't be the last time: I still have so many things to tell you, and you said that you have so much to tell me too! What happens to these untold stories now? I could print out my words and post them on the streets, but I want YOU to hear them, directly from ME! I want to hold your hands when I tell them; I want to bring you tea and massage your back; I want to introduce my world to you, just you used to do for me 30 years ago; I have my own loving family now and I want you to see it, feel it and live with us…
Mom wrote this morning, and asked me not to call. Grandma hasn't been conscious for a week now, the doctors said that they had done all they could. Mom said, that we should prepare for the worst; but the thing is, there is nothing to be done, all the perfect preparation in the world wouldn't change the course of the development, or our heartbreak. This is not how I want to it end!! Not at all!!
I told them that I've gotten this rotten feeling in my stomach; I told them that Grandma should absolutely come with Mom last November; we told them that we would even apply for an official accompany from the embassy if Grandma feared long distance flight; we told them that SHE HAD TO COME THIS TIME! But no, Mom came alone, brought handmade presents from Grandma; and Grandma was brought to the hospital the day before Mom headed home, hasn't left the hospital since... We don't know if she ever will.
I told them that if neither of these so called good sons would take the time to accompany her (and Mom); if anything happened before Grandma saw our life in our house with her own eyes, I would never forgive them. SO BE IT! I won't call them today, any of them, for the only one I want to talk to is still lying in the intensive care, and unconscious.
"You both don't need to come," Mom said on the phone, "Grandma wouldn’t know if you were here, and we are afraid of phone calls. That terrible phone call from the hospital could hit any moment..."
Don't worry, we are not going ... we can’t: I am in the middle of final exams (and flunked math already); we have to restart our careers again; there is still rent to be paid and checks to be sent...
Huge heavy snow flakes are falling silently outside the window, but this is not how I want to it end!! Not at all!!
I told Grandma that I would get her out; I told her that once my little chaotic life gains a bit stability, I would get her here; I told her that nothing in this world would ever ever stop me from spending more time with her during her senior years; I told her that I could provide things that all the money in the world can't buy, I told her that I would make her happy, WE would make her happy....
The last time I talked to her was two days before her operation; and this is not how I want to it end!! Not at all!!
"She IS happy, and content, for all the things you have done for her; she said that she was content all along, for you often called and talked to her; she said that you are her favorite child, and it was all worth it all the love she gave you. You ARE her favorite and she wants you to know it...." Mom told us.
And yet, this is not good enough for ME. Grandma only saw me and my husband ONCE in the past 12 years. This shouldn't be the end, it can't be, because it doesn't make sense to me, because I left so that I can one day provide her a better place to live; because I am lighting up a candle for her every day, and I would light up a thousand candles for her if it helps, ten thousand? What should I do? Just tell me what to do and I will do it.
Mom brought two sweaters and two huge scarves a couple of months ago, handmade from Grandma, personally tailored for us. I would have preferred her personal presence, we all have. I am in panic every time the cell phone rings, ... all these "should"s and "could"s and "would have"s..., the tearful eyes that last time I saw her in the airport, before our home flight to Europe, and I promised: this wouldn't the last time, and I believed, that wouldn't be the last time: I still have so many things to tell you, and you said that you have so much to tell me too! What happens to these untold stories now? I could print out my words and post them on the streets, but I want YOU to hear them, directly from ME! I want to hold your hands when I tell them; I want to bring you tea and massage your back; I want to introduce my world to you, just you used to do for me 30 years ago; I have my own loving family now and I want you to see it, feel it and live with us…
The
last time I saw you, you showed me the prepaid shelf in the temple, right next
to Grandpa’s ash. And you said calmly: “This is where I will be.”
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